The Happiness Project

Your Happiness Project: Abandon Your Self-Control.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One challenge about keeping my happiness-project resolutions is that it takes a lot of self-control. “No nagging,” “No fake food,” “Exercise better,” “Sing in the morning”…so many of my resolutions require me to control myself.

Relying on will power is very hard – so whenever possible, I abandon it. Instead of resisting temptation, I avoid it entirely.

Studies indicate that we have a limited amount of self-control, and it can be depleted. If you use a lot of self-control at work to resist the urge to yell at a co-worker, it might be harder to push yourself to go for a run when you get home.

So, because self-control is a precious resource, try to use it as little as possible. Look for ways to engineer situations so they don’t test your will power at all.

If you don’t want to get into the ice cream, don’t buy ice cream. If your family insists on having dessert, buy a dessert you don’t like much. If you have to buy ice cream, tie it up in a bag so it’s a pain to open and so you don’t see the enticing tub when you open the freezer. Maybe you’ll even forget it’s in there.

If you don’t want to spend money, don’t go into stores. If you don’t want to add to your credit card debt, leave your credit card in your sock drawer. If you have to shop, take a list and go by yourself. If you don’t want to get drunk, don’t meet your friends in a bar. If you don’t want to spend your Sunday morning sleeping, put your alarm clock across the room so you have to get out of bed to turn it off.

Sometimes the easiest way to abandon self-control is to give something up altogether. Like Samuel Johnson, who said, “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult,” I find it much easier to abstain rather than to indulge moderately. When you NEVER do something, it doesn’t take self-control; when you do something SOMETIMES, it takes huge self-control.

Examine the occasions for your self-control. Maybe you need to re-think them entirely. For example, my weight-training instructor told me about a client who was trying to lose weight, who said, “Can’t I have a single-serving bag of potato chips each day? After all, what am I going to eat when my kids are having their potato chips after school?” Her answer: “Your kids should be eating something else, too!” Instead of trying to resist ordering fries with your burger, maybe you should stop eating at McDonald’s.

Another reason to abandon self-control is that – at least in my case – just thinking about self-control tends to weaken it. If I think, “Congratulations, Gretchen, what good self-control with not buying Tasti D-Lite!” the next thing I know, I’m buying three mini Tootsie-Rolls. This happens to a lot of people when they try to economize: they’re so pleased with themselves for looking for the best buy on tuna fish that they splurge by buying a DVD. Not an efficient outcome!

Try to avoid situations that test your self-control. Instead of exercising will-power, forget about it.

Have you found any good strategies for maximizing your self-control? Self-discipline, I think, is one of the KEYS to happiness; it shows up in many different ways, and not always in the way that you'd expect.

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Several thoughtful readers sent me the link to the interesting New York Times article, What Happy People Don't Do. In a nutshell: happy people don't watch as much TV as unhappy people. However, as the article points out, the study doesn't show that correlation is causation (especially given the fact that TV-watching depends a lot on whether a person has a job, and unemployment is a major happiness challenge). I think the relationship between TV and happiness is a bit more complicated than most people say...

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

A True Rule about life -- from an engineer.

My father often talks about “True Rules.” For example, when I started working after college, he said, “It’s one of the True Rules – if you’re willing to take the blame, people will give you responsibility.” And in my experience that rule has certainly turned out to be true. I love True Rules, and I recently started writing them down whenever I heard them. These aren’t general rules for living, like “Enjoy every day.” They’re more specific and concrete. So I've started the True Rules series -- on video!

This True Rule is from Saul, a friend of mine from the days when we both worked at the Federal Communications Commission (my last job as a lawyer).

If you can't see the video, Saul says, "This True Rule comes from my days as an engineer, where we learned that if something wasn't working one way, you turn it around. So my True Rule is: if it's not working one way, you have to turn it around." Obviously this is as useful on a metaphorical level as on a device level.

Note: one of my happiness-project insights is that novelty and challenge bring happiness. Also frustration and annoyance. Notice that I managed to give the video clip a title for the first time! Ah, so satisfying.

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Terrific new site launched today, by the inimitable Jonathan Fields! Career Renegade is definitely worth your attention. The much-anticipated book is coming out soon, but the site gives lots of preview material. I'm off to read the intriguingly titled Fire Fly Manifesto right now.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Relationships: 7 tips to avoid annoying other people.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven tips to avoid annoying other people.

Most of us would like to get along well with others -- whether friends or strangers. One thing to keep in mind is that certain habits tend to get on other people’s nerves. Now you might say, “If someone’s annoyed when I talk on the phone in the grocery store, I don’t care, because that’s ridiculous!” The fact is, whether or not you think it’s ridiculous, some people will be very annoyed. Just know that. Here are some common aggravations to keep in mind:

1. As I say to my three-year-old just about every day, “Don’t use a whiny voice.” Some people make a habit of talking in a whine, even when they’re making a perfectly innocuous comment. Some people whine ALL THE TIME. Once I started paying attention, I realized that I do this far too often, myself, and I try to remember to say things like, “Have you seen my keys?” in a nice tone, not in a whiny tone.

2. Watch your cell phone use. You may think it’s acceptable to talk in a store, or on a bus, or wherever, but remember that many people still find it extremely annoying when others use a phone in a public place.

3. Don’t curse. I’m astonished by how many people use very bad language in crowded situations. You may feel fine about using the f-word in conversation with your friends, but if you’re in the subway, other people are going to hear you, too.

4. Clean up after yourself.

5. Think about whether you’re being interesting. Certain topics are very interesting to the speaker, much less interesting to the listener: descriptions of dreams, fond discussions about your children, re-tellings of the plots of movies or plays.

6. Watch the eye-stray. When you’re talking to someone in a crowded room, it’s tempting to keep looking around at the other people. This is very annoying to the person to whom you’re speaking; it feels like you’re hoping to find a more interesting conversationalist. Maintain eye contact, or if you’re looking around for a reason, explain it. I was very annoyed by a woman who kept glancing over my shoulder, until she explained, “My husband is coming, and he doesn’t know anyone here, and he’s very shy, so I’m looking for him.” Then I didn’t mind.

7. Most importantly: remember that different things annoy different people. Unfortunately, the ways that we annoy others reflect our personal proclivities – so it’s hard to be aware of how other people might react. E.g., if you’re the kind of person who talks on the phone all the time, you probably aren’t aware of how annoying other people find it. Or if you talk about your kids all the time, you probably don’t know that a lot of people find that boring. As a person who scores low on Agreeableness, I’m not naturally very considerate – but I’m trying to be more mindful of my actions.

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Zoikes, it just occurred to me that I may never have mentioned Fly Lady. I get a big kick out of that site and that approach to organizing your life. Baby steps!

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

When is the right time to think about happiness? Before or after a catastrophe strikes?

When I started The Happiness Project blog, something worried me: I feared that people who faced major happiness challenges – like a serious illness, job loss, chronic pain, divorce, addiction, depression -- would be put off by this site. Would they think: Who was I to talk about happiness, when everything in my life was fine? How helpful could my views be, unless I faced circumstances that made it very difficult to be happy?

I realized, however, that one of my main goals for my happiness project was to prepare for adversity — to develop the self-discipline and the habits to deal with a bad thing when it happened. Because that wheel was going to turn. The time to start exercising, stop nagging, and work on photo albums, I decided, is when everything was going smoothly; I didn’t want to wait for a crisis to re-make my life.

Since March 2006, when this blog launched, I’ve been very gratified to hear from many readers who wrote to let me know that the strategies I talk about here did help them during particularly hard times. I’d be very interested to hear people’s views on this topic. Are you more likely to think about happiness – and to take action to try to build happiness – when everything in your life is going well, or when you’re facing a catastrophe?

If you’re facing a catastrophe, does it help to think about taking little, ordinary steps to build happiness (having lunch with a friend, making your bed in the morning, going outside for a quick walk)? Or are activities like that dwarfed by the magnitude of what you’re facing?

My hope is that the Happiness Project (blog and book) can help people trying to be happier within their ordinary life, and also help people trying to be happier in the context of a major happiness challenge.

If some particular resolution or approach has helped you deal with a big happiness challenge, I’m sure it would be helpful for everyone to hear about what worked for you – if it’s not too private.

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Lots of interesting material at My Simpler Life.

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Happiness quotation from Elias Canetti.

“In the best times of my life I always think I am making room, even more room in me. Here I shovel away snow, there I raise aloft a piece of fallen sky; there are superfluous lakes, I let them run out (I save the fish), overgrown forests, I drive crowds of apes into them, everything is astir, but there’s never enough room, I never ask why, I never feel why, I just have to keep making room, on and on, and as long as I can do so, I merit my life.” --Elias Canetti

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I don't have a dog; and I don't want a dog; and my building doesn't allow pets, so I couldn't have a dog, even if I wanted one -- but this post from Stay of Execution made me think about all the happiness benefits of having a dog. There are a lot!

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Your Happiness Project: Imitate a spiritual master.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One of the most universal spiritual practices is the imitation of a spiritual master as a way to gain understanding and discipline. For example, in Christianity, many people study The Imitation Of Christ and ask themselves, “What would Jesus do?”

In the secular world, I suspect, people often read biographies for spiritual reasons: they want to study and learn from the example of great lives. As a writer, I steeped myself in the lives of Winston Churchill and John Kennedy, and it seems to me that much of the fascination in these two towering figures comes from people’s desire to imitate their great qualities (though of course they both also had some not-so-great qualities).

Oprah is a spiritual master for a lot of people; also—I could be wrong about this—Warren Buffett. Some lucky people have found a spiritual master within their set of personal relationships.

For my happiness project, I decided to study and imitate a spiritual master—but whom? I didn’t feel a particular affinity for any potential masters, until I came across St. Thérèse of Lisieux. I’d become interested in St. Thérèse after I saw her praised in Thomas Merton’s memoir, The Seven Storey Mountain. I’d been so surprised to see the cranky, monkish Merton write reverently about the sappily-named “Little Flower” that I was curious to read her spiritual memoir, The Story of a Soul. Since then, I’ve developed a mini-obsession with St. Thérèse. I have almost twenty biographies of her, and “Indulging in a (not so) modest splurge,” I spent $75 on a book of photographs of her. Ah, St. Thérèse! She is the perfect spiritual master for me — the fact that I’m not Catholic doesn’t change that.

What figure would you choose to be your spiritual master? It might be obvious to you; it might take you some serious reflection. Once you’ve identified a spiritual master, try to learn more about his or her life; think about why you picked that particular figure; and, most important, how to incorporate the lessons of that life into your own life.

For example, when I was annoyed when the woman working next to me at the library kept sighing noisily, I was inspired by St. Thérèse: she tells the story of how she once broke into a sweat at the effort to conquer her annoyance when a fellow nun made maddening clicking noises during evening prayers. I could relate.

I’m curious to know what spiritual masters other people have adopted. Have you found someone whose life or teaching has captivated you? If you’ve identified your spiritual master, please post it—I, and I’m sure other people, would be very interested to see the range of choices.

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Speaking of St. Therese, a friend from blogland, herself named for Therese and also a devotee, has a terrific blog, Beyond Blue, about "the spiritual journey to mental health." I highly recommend it, especially if you're interested in the subject of depression, especially the spiritual aspect.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Gratitude! Ecstasy! The happiness of finding my lost Filofax.

I’m old-fashioned when it comes to keeping my calendar, and I carry around a worn, fat Filofax that contains every piece of information I need to live my life: my calendar, addresses and phone numbers, class lists for both girls, business cards for doctors, repairmen, etc., a list of important birthdays, a subway map of Manhattan, and a few precious mementos, like the Valentine heart the Big Girl made for me when she was in kindergarten.

Last night, I was at a friend’s house for the meeting of the children’s literature book group (we read To Kill a Mockingbird if you’re curious). I got out the Filofax to look up our next meeting date. I thought, “Zoikes, I’d better get my Filofax back in my backpack quickly, or I’m going to forget it.”

Fast forward, back at home. I realized that I didn’t have my Filofax. I was 80% sure that I’d left it in my friend’s kitchen, but I was kept awake long into the night by dark fantasies about identity theft and tiresome hours spent re-creating the information I’d lost.

At the stroke of 7:00 this morning, I called my friend. She had the Filofax. Her office is in my neighborhood, so by 10:15 I had my Filofax back in my hands.

What joy, what relief! In college, a friend told me about the “Lost Wallet Syndrome.” “No matter what’s happening in your life," he explained, "if you lose your wallet, you think, ‘How happy I would be if I would only find my wallet.’ But then, if you find it, you’re happy for about two minutes, and then you’re right back where you started.”

Well, “Lost Filofax” happiness is probably not a tremendously enduring happiness, but for today at least, I know that I’m going to feel very, very happy.

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Some of my happiness-project resolutions include "Make books" and "Take time for projects," and I was amazed by these beautiful art books (not about art, art themselves), from the Flying Fish Press gallery.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Tips: Ten tips for being happier.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 10 tips for being happier.

I blog regularly for Real Simple, on Simply Stated, and I was very HAPPY when they asked me to write something for the print magazine. A lot of people saw this article in the magazine, and when it was picked up on the Yahoo! home page, a lot more people saw it. Finally it occurred to me to post this list on my own blog.

These aren't necessarily the most essential tips for being happy -- I tried to include strategies that might not otherwise occur to people. So, for example, "helping other people" isn't listed, even though it's one of the best ways of boosting your happiness.

1. Don’t start with profundities.
When I began my Happiness Project, I realized pretty quickly that, rather than jumping in with lengthy daily meditation or answering deep questions of self-identity, I should start with the basics, like going to sleep at a decent hour and not letting myself get too hungry. Science backs this up; these two factors have a big impact on happiness.

2. Do let the sun go down on anger.
I had always scrupulously aired every irritation as soon as possible, to make sure I vented all bad feelings before bedtime. Studies show, however, that the notion of anger catharsis is poppycock. Expressing anger related to minor, fleeting annoyances just amplifies bad feelings, while not expressing anger often allows it to dissipate.

3. Fake it till you feel it.
Feelings follow actions. If I’m feeling low, I deliberately act cheery, and I find myself actually feeling happier. If I’m feeling angry at someone, I do something thoughtful for her and my feelings toward her soften. This strategy is uncannily effective.

4. Realize that anything worth doing is worth doing badly.
Challenge and novelty are key elements of happiness. The brain is stimulated by surprise, and successfully dealing with an unexpected situation gives a powerful sense of satisfaction. People who do new things — learn a game, travel to unfamiliar places — are happier than people who stick to familiar activities that they already do well. I often remind myself to “Enjoy the fun of failure” and tackle some daunting goal.

5. Don’t treat the blues with a “treat.”Often the things I choose as “treats” aren’t good for me. The pleasure lasts a minute, but then feelings of guilt and loss of control and other negative consequences deepen the lousiness of the day. While it’s easy to think, I’ll feel good after I have a few glasses of wine…a pint of ice cream…a cigarette…a new pair of jeans, it’s worth pausing to ask whether this will truly make things better.

6. Buy some happiness.
Our basic psychological needs include feeling loved, secure, and good at what we do and having a sense of control. Money doesn’t automatically fill these requirements, but it sure can help. I’ve learned to look for ways to spend money to stay in closer contact with my family and friends; to promote my health; to work more efficiently; to eliminate sources of irritation and marital conflict; to support important causes; and to have enlarging experiences. For example, when my sister got married, I splurged on a better digital camera. It was expensive, but it gave me a lot of happiness bang for the buck.

7. Don’t insist on the best.
There are two types of decision makers. Satisficers (yes, satisficers) make a decision once their criteria are met. When they find the hotel or the pasta sauce that has the qualities they want, they’re satisfied. Maximizers want to make the best possible decision. Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can’t make a decision until they’ve examined every option. Satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers. Maximizers expend more time and energy reaching decisions, and they’re often anxious about their choices. Sometimes good enough is good enough.

8. Exercise to boost energy.
I knew, intellectually, that this worked, but how often have I told myself, “I’m just too tired to go to the gym”? Exercise is one of the most dependable mood-boosters. Even a 10-minute walk can brighten my outlook. Having trouble sticking to your exercise regimen? Here are 12 tips for staying motivated to exercise.

9. Stop nagging.
I knew my nagging wasn’t working particularly well, but I figured that if I stopped, my husband would never do a thing around the house. Wrong. If anything, more work got done. Plus, I got a surprisingly big happiness boost from quitting nagging. I hadn’t realized how shrewish and angry I had felt as a result of speaking like that. I replaced nagging with the following persuasive tools: wordless hints (for example, leaving a new lightbulb on the counter); using just one word (saying “Milk!” instead of talking on and on); not insisting that something be done on my schedule; and, most effective of all, doing a task myself. Why did I get to set the assignments? I found it hard to give up nagging—in fact, I came up with 19 strategies to try to cure myself of the nagging habit.

10. Take action.
Some people assume happiness is mostly a matter of inborn temperament: You’re born an Eeyore or a Tigger, and that’s that. Although it’s true that genetics play a big role, about 40 percent of your happiness level is within your control. Taking time to reflect, and conscious steps to make your life happier, really does work.

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I was intrigued by this blog's title, How to Succeed Socially. It has a lot of good tips for people who are looking for a little guidance about how to make friends more easily, network more, have more fun, etc.--good material for people who are a little shy or who just want to hone their social skills more. Having strong ties to other people is a KEY to happiness so this is an important subject.

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Happiness interview with William Arruda.

From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.

I read William Arruda’s fascinating book, Career Distinction: Stand Out By Building Your Brand, at the suggestion of Marci Alboher (I always do anything that Marci suggests.)

I got a chance to talk to William Arruda when he asked me to do a teleseminar with him about happiness and work for his Reach Branding Club. It was both fun and illuminating to talk to him for an hour. He has obviously given a lot of thought to the subject of happiness.

Gretchen: What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
William: You can’t get happiness from others. It comes from within and is often connected to confidence. When you are very self-aware and comfortable in your own shoes, it’s easy to be happy.

Gretchen: Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
William: Procrastinating. When there is something I just don’t want to do, it impacts my mood until I get it behind me. Knowing this, you would think I would just do these things first, yet I do find myself continuing to procrastinate with the same types of activities – opening mail, for example.

Gretchen: Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve find very helpful?
William: If you can’t get out of it, get into it. It is something my friend Todd Wetmore told me once when we were at Club Med Gym in Paris and it has always stuck with me. It really makes you find the good in every situation and activity – and there is always something positive on which to focus.

Gretchen: If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
William: For me it always involves people – either calling a friend, meeting someone for coffee, looking through photos of people who are important to me, etc. I have always been a people-person so my happiness quotient increases when I get to interact with others.

Gretchen: Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
William: Yes. I work to stay focused on the big picture. I think people are often unhappy because they turn little aggravations into giant problems. I see this a lot when I travel. For example, if I’m waiting at the luggage carousel at the airport and my bag doesn’t arrive – I focus on the fact that the plane landed safely and not on the fact that I might be wearing the same clothes for a couple of days.

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There's a great list about 100 Blogs That Will Inspire You To Be a Better Person. I see a lot of my favorites on the list, and a lot of blogs that I want to check out.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Fun: What do you find fun?—a question I find surprisingly difficult to answer; how about you?

I have a question for everyone – about FUN. One of the things that surprised me most about my happiness project was that when I resolved to “Find more fun,” it wasn’t easy for me to figure out what I found fun.

For example, it took me some real self-examination to acknowledge that one of my passions is children’s literature. Now my children’s literature reading group is one of the great joys of my life.

I’d love to hear about people’s experiences about fun. What do you find fun? Is it something a lot of people find fun, like golf, or something more unusual, like cultivating bonsai plants? Did you always know that this activity was fun for you, or did it take a while to figure it out? Am I the only one who has trouble staying in touch with the question: what is fun? Once you've identified your source of fun, how do you make time for it in your life?

Along the same lines, as another happiness-project experiment in the area of fun, I thought I’d try starting a collection. My mother has several collections, and they are a tremendous source of fun for her (also me, because a few times, she’s given me her collections – like her magnificent Halloween decorations). But it was hard for me to figure out what to collect. In the end, I chose blue birds, because I like them and because the blue bird is a symbol for happiness.

I sort of enjoy having a collection, but not as much as I thought I might. Do you have a collection that is a source of fun for you? What do you collect, and why?

My understanding of fun increased dramatically when I realized one of my most important Secrets of Adulthood: “What's fun for other people may not be fun for you -- and vice versa.” For example, activities that many people find fun that I don't find fun: skiing, drinking wine, doing crossword puzzles, shopping, going to concerts, cooking...

Thanks for any insights, examples, or suggestions about fun.

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I'd heard a lot about the blog EcoSalon, and when I checked it out, I fell in love with these items made out of recycled typewriter keys. Fabulous!

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.